It is ridiculous to feel greedy because we have money; it is equally as silly to feel guilty because we are emotionally or physically healthy. Sure, feel grateful, feel blessed, but don’t help the less fortunate because you feel guilty that you have a better life than them at this instant. They made choices, and so did we, lets own our good place and feel grateful, just as they would do well to own their choices, and work to grow and heal.
Sacrificing for others also harms those you are attempting to help, as it lacks personal ownership and boundaries, and passes along that mindset by modeling such. It models and perpetuates poor self esteem instead of the character needed to help elevate those we are serving. It tells those we are serving, “You are so weak that you can’t survive without me”. If you truly want to serve others, do so from a place of self love and respect, from a place of strength and dignity. Perpetuate healthy behavior by modeling the conduct needed to end the dysfunctional actions that caused their need in the first place. You will then convey the message “I love you enough to let you figure this out for yourself; I trust that the answer to your dilemma is within you, I’m here for you if you need advice or training.”
Not everyone who is being helped is in need because of poor choices, some are there because of a natural disaster, a tyrant, or circumstances outside of their control. But even so, it is still healthy to model strength and love, to help elevate them out of their current situation, instead of feeding their current dependence and need.
I do not feel that writing about what acts of service “should be” is going far enough, because it does not provide the reader with a means in which to give from a place of self love, rather than self loathing. Talk is cheap, now it’s time for some action.
Boundaries are a great place to start, learn how to say no, learn where you begin, where you end, and where those around you begin and end. Learn to discern the property lines around your physical and emotional self, and become sensitive to what it feels like to have somebody encroach on those limits. Become a person who not only says no, but also respects others’ no. Take time for yourself, meet your needs regularly, and become an assertive individual. Take classes, read books, see a therapist, research online, and practice with your family.
Another step towards loving yourself is reprogramming your false beliefs. These aren’t necessarily religious dogmas, although they can be, but they are usually core subconscious beliefs that control your life. “I’m not good enough, I’m fat, I’m unlovable, I’m not worthy, and I’m dumb” are all false beliefs that can steer your life down the path of self loathing. I have found that tools such as EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and The Sedona Method are great ways of removing false beliefs, as well as dealing with day to day stress.
I love serving others, I do! I usually open the door for my wife or for my mother, I am a Rotarian, I am on a fundraising committee for people with spinal cord injuries, and I am very generous with my time and money, donating freely to good causes. And yet, I always make sure that I am taken care of, I always ensure that my needs are considered first and foremost, because there is enough for everyone, and I give from my abundance, not from scarcity.
Let’s stop giving because “we should”, but rather because “we can” and “we choose to”; and instead of being passive and sacrificial, let’s be assertive about our needs and all eat from the pie, there is more than enough to go around.
…And if we run out, we’ll just bake more.
Read Part 1, Part 2, or Part 3
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