Boundaries 101 - The Malaysia Example

Taken from the article, “The Malaysia Example”:

"If he [Barack Obama] truly understood the motives and incentives of these countries and the political landscape in which they operate, he’d be doing the exact opposite of what he has been doing. Rather than telling radical Muslims what they want to hear, maybe it’s time to start telling Muslim governments what is expected if they want to have a productive relationship with the U.S. and avoid some adverse consequences. Now, that would be smart diplomacy."

This is a great statement that agrees with the Love & Logic (L&L) parenting method; don't tell your children what to do, give them your expectations and let them know how you're going to respond if they ignore those expectations.  In fact, this isn’t just L&L, this is emotional and physical boundaries 101.  We can not tell people how to act or behave, but we can always tell people how we will act or behave if they cross our boundaries.  If a person wants to be in a relationship with me, there are certain expectations, some that go without saying, but some that need to be said as the relationship progresses. 
Here is an example of stating expectations in a healthy manner, and listing the consequence should the expectations be ignored:

I refuse to argue in a nasty way with you, but I am more than happy to come to a productive, win-win resolution if your interested.  I feel like you are being belligerent right now, if you continue to act this way, I will walk away from the conversation altogether.  I hope that you choose to work this out with me.

The antagonist is now left with a decision, “do I continue along my original course of action and risk not only this conversation, but also possibly the relationship, or do I change my behavior and protect my relationship with this assertive individual?”  Here’s how this would look or sound if it was framed in a political relationship between countries, and not between two people:

The U.S. refuses to get into heated rhetoric and name calling about whatever you are angry about right now.  If you continue to incite violence, spew hatred, and support terrorist organizations, then we will take our diplomatic relations, as well as the money we are investing, and spend it in a more productive and friendly country.  I hope that you choose to work this out with us.

The last statement in both examples, “I hope that you choose to work this out with me/us” is the “Love” aspect of L&L, it locks in the consequences aspect and ensures that the problem is theirs and not ours.

The Hidden Message
As with all actions associated with our verbal statements, very subtle yet powerful hidden messages are conveyed when we follow through with the stated natural consequences.  The non verbal message conveyed if you were to give in to the antagonist in the above two examples is “I have a very low opinion of myself and do not know how to protect my boundaries or interests”.  This will lead to even more bullying by the antagonist, and loss of precious self-esteem for us.  However, the non verbal message conveyed from the above two examples, when coupled with natural consequences is much healthier, it states “I will not be your doormat, I choose to be treated with respect, I am worthy to be treated as such, and my actions now prove it”. 


Does parenting and politics really mix?  Yes!  What is good in parenting is also good in friendships, marriage, politics, and relationships...even between countries!

Reproduced From:  Parenting & Politics